Thursday, May 30, 2013

Brief Interviews With Mangled Victims

Alasse, Cleo’s current roommate

I love her.
She hits me and I like it.
It’s a game, I know it is. I just have to figure it out and then we’ll be best friends and she will love me forever.
Frank, Cleo's Former Roommate 
Lived with her for over a year. Over a year! Tried to pay her visits, but no one got near her room without an invitation. I'd stop by just to say hi and she'd chase me off. Rude.

John, Cleo's Former House Guest

It was 2AM, so I was on the toilet. What I didn’t know was that she was in her box taking a dump. And then she just flew out and went straight for the ankles.
Ricky, Cleo's Former Roommate
Satan. Satan.
Oh man. But there was this one time I got Anthony so good. I didn’t tell him we called her Satan. Just told him to go and say hi to Rachel’s cat. So he got up in her bed and that fucking cat just launched herself at him, all hissing and shit. Never seen a grown ass man jump horizontally across a room like that before.

Monty, Cleo's Current Roommate
She lies on my terrarium all the time. She likes the heat, just like me. Doesn’t even say thanks for utilizing my lamp. Just basks and leaves. Not a word. I do like to watch her hit the dog though. Good times.
Lyra, Cleo's Current Roommate

Oh, I gave her the benefit of the doubt for a while. They told me she was snooty, to good for the likes of us. But I tried to introduce myself, more than once actually. She ran away. She actually ran away when I tried to- Is that cream cheese? I think you have some cheese on your face, I can clean that up for you…

Cathy, Cleo's Current Roommate 

Never cared too much for her. She doesn’t care for me. I don’t like the way she treats Alasse. That dog is mine to taunt.

Prints and original illustrations available here

Sunday, May 12, 2013

The Things My Mother Told Me


2.       Date and dump. Date and dump. Date and dump.

3.       If it’s edible, you can steam it. Broccoli? Steam it. Potato? Steam it. Bratwurst? Steam it.

4.       Dogs are important.

5.       It’s just money.

6.       Ice cream day is every day.

7.       When things go to shit, say “Hmmm, that’s interesting.”

8.       It’s just stuff, it’s just a thing.

9.       If you’re having too much fun, get a hotel and stay there.

10.   Let the horse know you’re behind him. Run your hand across his butt when you walk behind him. That way he’ll know you’re there.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Revenge of the Rats

Alasse loves rats. She loves them. And yes, I know what you are thinking, but when I say she loves them, I do not mean that she loves to eat them. I mean she loves them loves them. They’re her friends.
The rats, Cathy and Lyra, they like Alasse too. But they are also aware of just how much Alasse loves them, so they play with that a little.

First, the taunting.
Alasse and Cathy have a special little bond. It’s Cathy that does most of the taunting. Come get me, she says through the bars. And Alasse is always asking Cathy to play, and while Cathy pretends to consider, she only wrestles with rats her own size. But Alasse will sit in front of their cage and keep asking. She can watch the rats for hours. It’s like T.V. for dogs.
Now, when the rats are out and about, Alasse gets even more excited. She’ll put her head up to the table or couch, and they will come up and check her out. They like to groom her, shine up her nose, check out her eyeballs. And if they are feeling really adventurous, they’ll hop right on. Whenever this happens, Alasse immediately goes cross eyed, trying to keep the rat on her head in sight. Then they’re off, running down her back and she has no idea what’s going on.

Where’d they go?
For a minute or too, Alasse won’t be too sure about being a living jungle gym. The rats may choose to bail and take sanctuary on my easel, or perhaps the filing cabinet. But if they hang on, Alasse will adjust, and accept that she’s just going to have to act as transportation. And Alasse is very good about her role in their fun. She’ll give them a ride around the apartment, or just stand and crane her neck back so she can watch them groom themselves, or her butt.
The best part about these rat adventures is that they get even with Alasse for me. You see, Alasse has a superpower. She is able to get her tongue all the way down my ear without fail, every time. She has excellent aim. I’m pretty sure she licks my brain. This makes me squirm. It makes me squirm just thinking about it. So I am always very pleased when the rats do the same exact thing to her. It’s usually Lyra. Lyra is good at that.   

What is that?

Prints and original paintings available here